Pan's Labyrinth

I am (will be?) the mama of Ava Pan-Yi Speary. Pan Yi is Ava's Chinese first and middle name. It is pronounced "Pahn" unlike the pan you would cook with. After some googling and translating, it appears the Chinese characters translate to "Hope According to" or "Hope Depends on." This name was given to Ava by the orphanage.

I wonder if her birth mother named her and what her name was before she became Pan. I wonder if her birth mother is alive and if she wonders about her daughter. There are so many questions surrounding Pan's early days, and there so many answers that we may never have. It hurts my heart that Ava Pan-Yi may never find these answers.

There is so little we know of little baby Pan. Even her birthdate is an estimate. 

Let that sink in.

We are lucky. She has lived in an orphanage that is part of the Half the Sky program in China. Half the Sky trains the nannies, supplies toys, and encourages love and care and education for the children. The orphanage regularly takes pictures of the children. We will receive a book from them with photos of her life. I'm praying for newborn photos of Pan. 

One of our jobs as Ava Pan-Yi's parents will be to allow her to grieve and navigate the maze of feelings regarding her life. She has lost her birth family, her first name, and her birthday. She will soon lose the only home she has ever known, her care takers, and her friends. While she will be gaining a new life, it would be wrong not to acknowledge her losses, her feelings. I will show her that she is not alone in her grief. I will cry with her when she is sad. I will rage with her when she is angry. Because it is ok. It is ok to feel the injustices... to writhe around in them for a while. But then I will show her Hope. I will show her love. She doesn't have to carry the pain alone anymore. She is part of a family, a team. It's not her against the world. It is US against the world. 

Many of our family and friends (you) have asked about celebrating Ava when she comes home. While we appreciate your excitement and desire to love our Ava, we are planning to cocoon our little girl. That means we will stay in our home with her for several months with minimal interaction with the outside world. She does not know what having a family means. We must teach her. We will be playing bonding games, forming attachments, and earning her trust. We will be adjusting to new routines and the new normal of a family of five. When she is ready, we will take baby steps into the world. She will go to the park. She will help me buy groceries or drop the boys off at school. Then, maybe Jacob, Ava, and I will play in the nursery at church. We will visit with grandparents and family.

If you want to help, start by praying for us. Pray that Todd and I will have patience and wisdom. Pray that the boys will be accepting and kind. And pray that Ava will open her heart to us. 

盼依