Blarg...

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes after the boys have been home for nine days (who's counting?) for Christmas break. They loved their presents...unfortunately, we did not buy two of everything. So they fight over almost everything. But there have been cute moments... like Adam strumming his new guitar as Jacob watches Frozen for 10,000,000th time.

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes when USCIS sends an intent to deny letter for our home study update because they didn't bother to wait to receive it from DSS.

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes when USCIS sends an approval letter because they received our home study update the day after they mailed the intent to deny letter.

Blarg... that's the sound my heart makes when receiving updated photos of our little Ava. She looks so beautiful and healthy and scared. I can't wait to kiss those cheeks and tickle her toes.

Blarg... that's the sound my heart makes because we are only a month into our wait for Letter of Acceptance from China. Let's hope we are halfway through our wait... and not only 1/3 or worse... Wait times average 60-80 days. We are hoping to receive our approval just before the Chinese New Year shut down. Ava's third birthday is May 9. I so want to hold her in my arms before that day.

Hope and Understanding

In Sunday School this past week, we talked about how in the Bible so many were searching for something at Christmas. Joseph was searching for truth. Harod was searching for the Christ-child. The shepherds were searching for wonder, and Mary was searching for understanding.

I think we are all searching for something this time of year... either for presents or decorations, a parking spot at the mall, or a taste of the Christmas magic we had as children.

I am searching for hope and understanding...not just for me but also for the understanding of friends and family and Ava. There are many things in life you cannot understand until you live through them. Adoption is one of those things.

I'm so very hopeful that everyone will understand that our family needs to be alone once Ava is home. I hope everyone understands when we do not want to show off our little Ava girl...that we want to keep her home in our little cocoon.

We are going to traumatize a child. Not if... not maybe... not exaggerating. We are going to traumatize Ava. Right now, she is going about the only life she has ever known...in an orphanage full of children who look like her. In a few months, a couple of large Americans are going to change her world instantly... Ava will not understand. She will not feel lucky. She will not feel rescued. We are essentially kidnapping her from her life. She will not understand what we are saying, and we will look different. We will bring her to hotels as we travel around China finalizing her adoption. She will be photographed, fingerprinted, and examined. Then we will hop on a plane where we will attempt to keep her calm and happy for a day's worth of travel.

She will be jet lagged. She will be scared. She will be hugged and kissed by family who are really just strangers.

So don't do it you say. Let her stay at the orphanage.

But I can't.

I don't really understand, but I need her. The moment I saw her face, I needed her. She is my daughter. I hope she understands one day... I hope she understands why we traumatized her and brought her to the other side of the world. I hope she understands that she is different, but that different isn't bad.

I hope she understands how much I love her when I tickle her toes and play connect-the-dots on her little feet. Oh, how I love her. I hope she will love me, too.

Adoption Pregnant

We are expecting...sometime between March and June!

In a lot of ways, adoption is like pregnancy. The waiting, the expectation, enduring physical discomfort but always with the hope of reward...a child! 

We suffered through the first trimester. The home study with interviews, personal questions, and training. We were fingerprinted and completed mountains of papers work. We endured medical exams and psych evaluations.

Now, we are sailing through the second trimester. Our dossier has left the country. And we are on day 14 of waiting for our Letter of Acceptance.  We have approximately 20-85 days to go before we get it!

Next comes the third trimester with immigration forms, applications, and travel preparations.  There is the nesting phase with room decorating, toy shopping, and clothes sorting. We will wonder what she will be like, if she will like us, and if we will love her as much as we do now (we will). We will obsess over delivery day (Gotcha Day!)... will it be as painful (and joyful) as everyone says? 

And then when we come home... oh, the adjustments! Not just for our sweet Ava, but for the boys and for us. Not only will we help Ava grieve, learn what a family is and what love is, but we all must learn how to interact as a family of five.

Will Adam continue to be the helpful big brother who loves to teach?

Will Jacob remain the mischievous younger brother who teases?

Where will Ava fit in? 

We will figure it out though. That is what families do. We make it work. It is not always pretty. It is rarely what we expect. But our life as a family will be amazing just the same. Our love will light up the darkness.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others..." Matthew 5:15-16