Uh, what?

Instead of complaining about my children, I have only good things to report. Adam and Jacob have been playing WITH each other. I know, right? This has only been 3.5 years in the making. 

And what's even better than that? (Yes, it can be better!) They include Ava in their rough housing, anarchy, and debauchery. 

Who knew? I mean, I had hoped this would happen but after Adam said he wished Jacob would go to the desert and not come back, I had started to give up. 

I have other hopes, too. They sound crazy, but not quite as crazy as Jacob and Adam becoming friends, right? I mean, it's possible they will grow up and feel uneasy with their privilege and have hearts for those who have not. It is totally possible that they will have the courage to be different. 

Last night, Todd and I watched a show about the avalanche on Everest and the struggle of the Sherpas. I was sickened by the behavior of the Westerners. The people who pay obscene amounts of money to climb a mountain while Nepalese natives carry the heavy supplies and risk their lives on a daily basis... So when 16 Sherpas were killed, they all said, "everyone go home and mourn and grieve. No expedition is worth more than human life." Ha, yeah right. They sat around and complained that they would have to go home because the surviving Sherpas did not want to climb the mountain. 

We were in China when the earthquake hit Nepal last year. On all the news channels, there were reports of villages destroyed. So many people were injured or killed. You know what aired on American news? Reports about Westerners not being able to continue climbing Everest. Priorities, people. But here we are complaining about who can use which bathroom while children starve to death and die of preventable diseases. 

Uh, what?

Final Post

This morning, I read an article about a couple who sold everything to move with their children to China. They opened a foster home and now care for over 50 children with moderate to severe medical needs.

This afternoon, I read an article about an adoptive parent who created a non profit organization to help link older children in foster care and orphanages with loving adults and/or adoptive families because it's hard enough to "adult" with good role models. It is pretty much impossible to "adult" if you have never known one.

This evening, I held in my arms a beautiful, four week old baby who was born with meth in her system. She spent the first several days of her life in the hospital while the drug left her body, and she now lives in foster care.

Tonight, I kissed my three children and told them I loved them. I read to Jacob and Ava about Pete the Cat and his white shoes. I tucked Jacob in and rocked Ava. She still rocked herself to sleep, but it was gentle and peaceful. It is hard for me to fathom the long, lonely nights she spent in the orphanage with no one to rock her or kiss her good night.

A page has turned in our lives. A new chapter has begun. We have seen another side of humanity... the side where "the least of these" are suffering. We will never be the same. So it is time to end this blog as we have found our lost girl. But the next chapter? Who knows where the next chapter will lead us, but I am determined to shine a little light into the darkness for the children who need it.

Toddler Communication

Maybe I forgot about toddlers repeating things or maybe Jacob and Ava are just special, but it is flabbergasting how many times the kids make me repeat things. 

Jacob: "mom, you find my truck?"

Me: "yes, Jacob, I found your truck."

Jacob: "this my truck, mom?"

Me: "that's your truck. "

Jacob: "you find it? My truck?"

Me: "yes. "

Jacob: "my truck?"

Me: "YES. Your truck. I found your truck, Jacob!"

Ava: "you find Jacob's truck?"

Seriously, it is like living in the Twilight Zone or a mental institution or something. Preschool teachers must have nerves of steel. 

But trying to get a three year old to listen is even worse. 

Jacob: "I want a drink, pwease."

Me: "thank you for being polite. Would you like water or milk?"

....

Me: "Jacob, water or milk?"

...

Me: "Jacob?"

...

Me:"hello? Jacob?"

...

Me: "JACOB!"

Jacob: "you find my truck?"

If I spend half my days repeating things, I spend the other half looking for things the kids NEED. 

Jacob: "mom, I no find my truck?"

Me: "I think it's downstairs. "

Jacob: "where my truck go?"

Me: "I'm looking for it. Just a minute."

Jacob: "where my truck go? Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. "

Me: "I'm looking. "

Jacob: "I want my truck, mom."

-still looking ten minutes later-

Ava: "tummy hurts. Poop."

-take Ava to potty-

Ava: "I help you."

-spend 5 minutes helping Ava walk downstairs and changing her into the pajama shirt and Adam's bedroom slippers that she finds on the floor.-

Jacob: "I want my truck. Where my truck go?"

-finds truck in the middle of the floor where Jacob has been playing.-

Me: "Jacob, I found your truck!"

Jacob: "you find it, mom?!"

Me: "here it is."

Jacob: "I no want it. Where my train go?"

Ava: "I help you!"

Me Too

I wrote my last blog post after an especially long and hard day. When I went to bed, I kept wondering if it had been a mistake. After all, I had compared Jacob to Lord of the Flies and all three kids to mini terrorists.

The next morning, however, I was surprised at just how many friends had sent messages saying, "me too."

So many of us have days, weeks, months (eeek) that are simply survival. We keep the kids fed, clean(ish), and relatively unharmed. We let the dust bunnies feed on goldfish under the couch and the laundry doesn't always make it to the closet before being worn again. 

I know there are moms out there who do it all. They are stay-at-home moms who also work 60 hour weeks and bring home the bacon, fry it in the pan, get manis and pedis, and have shiny hair and clutter free homes. Then there are the rest of us who realize halfway through the grocery store that our flip flops don't match and our yoga pants are on backwards, but we don't care because the kids are not screaming and Nutella is on sale. Not that we are somehow better for our cluttered, messy lives. It's just reality. We don't get everything done, and we really wish we knew how others manage to do it when we cannot even manage to find our hairbrushes, much less use them.

I still forget after long, hard days of tantrums, fights, and complaints why I want this mom-life. Then I log on to Facebook to escape and see the faces hundreds of children who need a family... Most with moderate to severe medical needs. I see the moms new to the adoption community say, "how do you choose a child when there are so many? I want to help them all." Me too, friend.

But it's not all bad. It's not all hard. That's why I do what I do. It is all worth it to hear Jacob call out, "Sissy awake, too? Play with me," or Ava singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and Adam offering to share his piggy bank money to help less fortunate kids buy toys. 

I lay awake at night dreaming of a children's home filled with children from all over the world who come for care and affection and family. I dream of taking a shower without Jacob yelling, "me too, mom, I want shower." I fantasize about Todd saying, "Ok, one more. I want another, me too." I dream of saying, "I love our family" and hearing a chorus of "me too." I don't want to feel alone in a room full of people who are passionate about Christmas shopping or their new grills. That stuff is great and all, but I long to be surrounded by people who can't sleep at night because there are 143 million orphans and most people just don't care.

Here are just a few of the kids who have my heart.

Gloria:

 

Aslan:

Kurt:

Henry:

Beating a dead horse

Here, struck down by the heat, I fell and the children hurled themselves at me. This dreadful eruption from an unknown world made me frantic; I squealed and bucked and the air was full of sweat and noise and blood and terror […]. The spear moved forward inch by inch and the terrified squealing became a high-pitched scream. Then Jacob found my throat and the hot blood spouted over his hands. I collapsed under them […].

Ok, so maybe it wasn't quite as bad as a scene from The Lord of the Flies, but it was bad. Jacob has reached the full fledged terrible, horrible, no good, very bad twos almost threes. 

Imagine a strong willed child who thrives on doing the very opposite of what you want them to do...and not with malice or vindictiveness, but with joy... a joie de vivre. Ok, now multiply that by three. We have three children with strong personalities, with strong wills. Ok, now add on the fact that Todd and I are pretty strong willed.  It's a perfect storm for insurgency, hostage negotiations, and hunger strikes. And that's just before 8 am. 

The peace that came with Jacob and Ava sharing a room was short lived. Jacob enjoyed playing musical beds a little more than he enjoyed having a roommate. He also gave up his strong hold on the crib the night he climbed out and fell on his head. Poor Ava was shuffled from bed to crib to mattress to floor as Jacob decided that wherever she was sleeping must be the best spot. 

Todd's strategy is to divide and conquer. So far, it seems to be working much better than letting them scream and yawn and rub their eyes even though they "aren't tired, mommy."

Jacob doesn't just want all the sleeping spots for himself, he needs what everyone else has. His plea for Adam to share was adorable the first 10,000 times, "pwease gege, pwease". (Gege is big brother in Chinese). But Adam's new favorite pastime is snatching up anything he thinks Jacob might want, and then he teases him until Operation Give Mom High Blood Pressure reaches a fever pitch and someone winds up with a bandaid and mom has high blood pressure and a hankering for Oreos dipped in Nutella.

Ava's reaction to Jacob's stinginess is a little different. He takes the toy or object from her, and she screams as if he just killed a puppy in front of her so we give the toy back and she hurls the object across the room and throws herself onto the floor distraught. So now Jacob is screaming for the toy and Ava is screaming, and I am over here like, "hey, Adam, remember when you were an only child?"

Our kids are like terrorists... Well, I mean, they haven't killed anyone...yet. But you can't negotiate with them. Honestly, you can't even have a conversation with them because they only seem to hear "mwah mwah mwah" like the mom from Charlie Brown. Trying to talk to them is like beating a dead horse... You wind up exhausted and frustrated, and they just lay there wondering what your problem is. 

"Hey, Adam. Do you want to go to the pool this afternoon?"

"Mo-om, you never let me do anything fun."

"What are you talking about? I want to take you to the pool."

"You said I can never go to the pool again!!"

And that's where I should stop. Because before I know it, he has a new Minecraft toy, a cookie, and plans to go to a waterpark. 

So tonight while I'm sleeping, I'm sure they will be planning their hostile takeover and the Battle to turn mom's hair grey will be looming on the horizon. But it's all good. My life is like Groundhog Day... If my defense fails today, I can try something new tomorrow. 

We gave them fire...what were we thinking?

Anything but ordinary

I considered not publishing this blog post. According to the Murphey's Law of Children, whenever you say something nice about your child(ren), they tend to make you regret it immediately afterwards. So after a morning of tantrums, whining, and fighting, I've decided to say it anyway. I'm a glutton for punishment. 

Yesterday, Adam told me that I am an ordinary person. 

Maybe I am "just" a mom. I live a typical American life. I complain that my kids don't eat enough vegetables and make too many messes. We take a yearly vacation at the beach, run through sprinklers, and can be found at the local soccer field in the fall and the tee ball field in the spring. We read Dr Seuss, squish play-doh, and watch Frozen WAY too often. 

My kids, on the other hand, make me feel  extraordinary...extraordinarily incompetent. 

Ava gets a kick out of pretending to kick me in the face. 

Adam tells me that I never let him do anything fun... minutes after we come home from playing at the park and swimming. 

And Jacob, well, he whines, fights, and marches to a different beat. 

So I may be extraordinarily inept at this parenting thing, and I am sure many people would accuse me of being boring. But one thing is for sure, I am never bored with my ordinary life. 

And my kids, I hope they realize their potential and learn to enjoy helping others. And if they must be spoiled, may it be with love and not possessions. I want the world to see their hearts and know that my kids are anything but ordinary. 

Changes

I have had a lot of folks ask recently how Ava is doing, what she is like, and how everyone is adjusting. So here goes...

Physical development: Ava has made some great improvements since coming home. For lack of a better term, she was very floppy when we first met her. She ran floppy, walked a little floppy, and would fall over constantly. Ava now runs much better and does her best to keep up with Adam and Jacob. She does not quite have their stamina yet, but she is improving daily. When Ava first came home, she could not even climb onto the couch. Now, we have to watch her and Jacob to make sure they do not jump off of the couch. She also likes to climb onto the coffee table.

English: Ava picks up new words and phrases every day. She seems to understand most of what we say. Her favorite things to say are: "my turn," "stop it," "Elsa," and "chocolate." Ava also loves music and tries to sing along even if she doesn't know the words.

Attachment: When we first met, Ava was very angry at me for replacing her nanny... her nanny who she called Mama. What helped our particular situation is that Ava did not suffer from lack of love, and she craves affection. She slowly learned that I will give her affection when she is sweet, when she is sad, when she is angry, and when she is naughty. I always love her. The second thing that helped was meeting Adam and Jacob. She immediately recognized them from pictures we had sent to her at the orphanage and bonded right away with them. She knows they are her people, so that must make Todd and me her people, too. I take Ava with me almost everywhere including to drop off and pick up Adam and Jacob from school or Summer Fun programs. I want her to see that I always come back. We still have our moments where she wails this primal, guttural scream that sounds something like a wounded animal that has been cornered. Thankfully, this rarely happens, but when it does it is both heart breaking and frustrating. I wish she could tell us what all she is thinking and feeling.

Food: Ava is slowly adding new foods to her diet. In addition to eggs, rice, and noodles, she now enjoys watermelon, cereal, goldfish crackers, chocolate, rice crispy treats, and French fries. Oh, and sweet tea! I do believe this girl is southern. 

Sleep: Ava has been sleeping in our room, but she slept in Jacob's room for the first time last night. She seemed to sleep much better in his room; i.e. she didn't fall out of bed. However, it took her a long time to fall asleep. She and Jacob are currently napping together in their room. Whew.

Personality: We are still learning who Ava is and what makes her tick. As she grows more and more comfortable with us, her silly side has emerged. She loves to pretend to want a high five only to fake us out. She will also offer us a bite of food only to pop it into her own mouth while giggling hysterically. She loves to help and to show affection. She helps me fold clothes, wipe up spills, and gives the best spontaneous hugs and tickles. Her newest thing is to whisper "I love you" in my ear like it is a special secret. I wish I could bottle it and save it forever. She is still exploring her independence: sometimes she acts helpless and other times wants to do everything herself. We tend to follow her lead and offer encouragement to build up her confidence. She loves to swim, sing, and chase her brothers.

How are we doing? Amazing and bad and everywhere in between. I am taking each day one minute at a time. One minute is how fast things can change. Everyone will be happy and sharing and playing. The next minute, I have three kids melting down because there is only one spool of ribbon to drag around or because Adam is playing with Minecraft Steve and Jacob needs the diamond sword and Ava screams and cries because everyone else is screaming and crying. Adam taught Jacob to say "dumb" so to counteract that I taught Jacob "smart."  He hurls, "you're smart" at Adam like an insult. It's pretty awesome. Todd and I finally had our first date night since meeting Ava. We ate dinner at our favorite local restaurant and did what every parent does when they are away from their kids...talked about the kids. Todd is still adjusting to being outnumbered by the kids and helps me during my meltdowns. I have been too busy to dwell on the fact that my house is a disaster and that I yell more than I would like. Unfortunately (or dare I say fortunately?), I am never too busy to think of the approximate 143 million orphans in the world. Ava changed my world in the best possible way. 

"It sounds beautiful, adventurous, even romantic in ways, right? It is beautiful. And the crazy thing is, it is so simple. Don’t misunderstand; it is not easy. But it is simple in that each and every one of us was ultimately created to do the same thing. It will not look the same. It may take place in a foreign land or it may take place in your backyard, but I believe that we were each created to change the world for someone. To serve someone. To love someone the way Christ first loved us, to spread” ― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie