Hope and Understanding

In Sunday School this past week, we talked about how in the Bible so many were searching for something at Christmas. Joseph was searching for truth. Harod was searching for the Christ-child. The shepherds were searching for wonder, and Mary was searching for understanding.

I think we are all searching for something this time of year... either for presents or decorations, a parking spot at the mall, or a taste of the Christmas magic we had as children.

I am searching for hope and understanding...not just for me but also for the understanding of friends and family and Ava. There are many things in life you cannot understand until you live through them. Adoption is one of those things.

I'm so very hopeful that everyone will understand that our family needs to be alone once Ava is home. I hope everyone understands when we do not want to show off our little Ava girl...that we want to keep her home in our little cocoon.

We are going to traumatize a child. Not if... not maybe... not exaggerating. We are going to traumatize Ava. Right now, she is going about the only life she has ever known...in an orphanage full of children who look like her. In a few months, a couple of large Americans are going to change her world instantly... Ava will not understand. She will not feel lucky. She will not feel rescued. We are essentially kidnapping her from her life. She will not understand what we are saying, and we will look different. We will bring her to hotels as we travel around China finalizing her adoption. She will be photographed, fingerprinted, and examined. Then we will hop on a plane where we will attempt to keep her calm and happy for a day's worth of travel.

She will be jet lagged. She will be scared. She will be hugged and kissed by family who are really just strangers.

So don't do it you say. Let her stay at the orphanage.

But I can't.

I don't really understand, but I need her. The moment I saw her face, I needed her. She is my daughter. I hope she understands one day... I hope she understands why we traumatized her and brought her to the other side of the world. I hope she understands that she is different, but that different isn't bad.

I hope she understands how much I love her when I tickle her toes and play connect-the-dots on her little feet. Oh, how I love her. I hope she will love me, too.