Drumroll please...

I'm typing this with shaking hands. Big news... The CCCWA has issued our approval for Ava after 65 days!

So what is next?

We submit our I800 form to USCIS to obtain approval to bring Ava home. We also request our Visas, travel approval, and date to complete the adoption in Guangzhou.

I don't know how to express the light shining out of my pores at this moment. My little girl is coming home!!

And here she is... Adam's little sister... Jacob's "twin" and our little daughter.

This is the first photograph that I saw of her, and I knew she was meant to be ours.

Glory! Glory! "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?"

Are we there yet?

I keep forgetting the old saying, "life is a journey not a destination." Instead, I keep saying, "once this milestone is reached, everything will be better/easier/happier, etc." And then I forget to enjoy the crazy moments and embrace the chaos.

I have a count on my calendar so that I can keep count of the days we have spent waiting for our approval from China. We are on day 43, by the way. Only 1-40 more days to go! But once we reach that goal, once we have our Letter of Acceptance (aka Letter Seeking Confirmation) we will begin the countdown for Travel Approval. Then the countdown for the travel. Then the countdown for gotcha day. Then the countdown for flying home. Then the countdown for maybe just one more?... it never ends.

So here are some of the parts of our journey that I don't want to forget...

The friends- the adoption community is amazing. I have met so many amazing people through adoption groups. They get it. They go crazy during the waits, they celebrate the milestones, and they pray for and advocate for the thousands of sweet kids who still need a family. Not to mention, they shop and nest and dream of their little one on the other side of the planet. They struggle...files are lost or inexplicably given to a different agency. Sometimes their dogs eat important documents and gift packages for their child get lost in the mail. They know that when you get set back a day, it isn't JUST a day. It's a day longer you have to wait before you hold your child.

Kid moments- my boys are busy being boys. They fight with each other, help each other, and grow and learn new things every day. Jacob's new favorite phrase is "go away" which he learned from his big brother. It's always fun to hear it as I am chasing him around after bath...he's dripping water, squealing and shrieking "go away, mommy." Thankfully we have moved on from his Frozen phase. I don't know if I could have taken hearing "Let it Go" one more time... although, it was a good reminder to let some things go. Adam is reading and becoming more independent. He takes toys away from Jacob, taunts him, and then sits patiently and reads him a story or helps him put a puzzle together. He is a great big brother... sometimes.

My husband- Todd is so patient when I tell him about the kids who have grabbed my heart and the stories of other families who are now home. He's there when I am pulling my hair out because dinner is on the verge of burning, but Jacob needs to be held and Adam's computer game has locked up and he needs to use the bathroom but doesn't want to go all by himself. He hunts. He cheers for college football and makes kefir which uses up all of our milk and stinks up the counter... he wakes me up early on Friday mornings so he can go to breakfast with his friends.  He is a huge part of my journey.... can't think of anyone I'd rather be with while navigating life.

Church- we are members of the best church. Seriously. All I ever talk about is the adoption, but they listen and smile and ask questions. I hear little anecdotes about the boys from their teachers. I help out with the 2 and 3 year olds once a month... Oh, the things they say!

So today I am not going to forget. Today I am going to enjoy the journey. I'm not going to worry about getting "there." I am going to enjoy be here.

Blarg...

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes after the boys have been home for nine days (who's counting?) for Christmas break. They loved their presents...unfortunately, we did not buy two of everything. So they fight over almost everything. But there have been cute moments... like Adam strumming his new guitar as Jacob watches Frozen for 10,000,000th time.

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes when USCIS sends an intent to deny letter for our home study update because they didn't bother to wait to receive it from DSS.

Blarg... that's the sound my brain makes when USCIS sends an approval letter because they received our home study update the day after they mailed the intent to deny letter.

Blarg... that's the sound my heart makes when receiving updated photos of our little Ava. She looks so beautiful and healthy and scared. I can't wait to kiss those cheeks and tickle her toes.

Blarg... that's the sound my heart makes because we are only a month into our wait for Letter of Acceptance from China. Let's hope we are halfway through our wait... and not only 1/3 or worse... Wait times average 60-80 days. We are hoping to receive our approval just before the Chinese New Year shut down. Ava's third birthday is May 9. I so want to hold her in my arms before that day.

Hope and Understanding

In Sunday School this past week, we talked about how in the Bible so many were searching for something at Christmas. Joseph was searching for truth. Harod was searching for the Christ-child. The shepherds were searching for wonder, and Mary was searching for understanding.

I think we are all searching for something this time of year... either for presents or decorations, a parking spot at the mall, or a taste of the Christmas magic we had as children.

I am searching for hope and understanding...not just for me but also for the understanding of friends and family and Ava. There are many things in life you cannot understand until you live through them. Adoption is one of those things.

I'm so very hopeful that everyone will understand that our family needs to be alone once Ava is home. I hope everyone understands when we do not want to show off our little Ava girl...that we want to keep her home in our little cocoon.

We are going to traumatize a child. Not if... not maybe... not exaggerating. We are going to traumatize Ava. Right now, she is going about the only life she has ever known...in an orphanage full of children who look like her. In a few months, a couple of large Americans are going to change her world instantly... Ava will not understand. She will not feel lucky. She will not feel rescued. We are essentially kidnapping her from her life. She will not understand what we are saying, and we will look different. We will bring her to hotels as we travel around China finalizing her adoption. She will be photographed, fingerprinted, and examined. Then we will hop on a plane where we will attempt to keep her calm and happy for a day's worth of travel.

She will be jet lagged. She will be scared. She will be hugged and kissed by family who are really just strangers.

So don't do it you say. Let her stay at the orphanage.

But I can't.

I don't really understand, but I need her. The moment I saw her face, I needed her. She is my daughter. I hope she understands one day... I hope she understands why we traumatized her and brought her to the other side of the world. I hope she understands that she is different, but that different isn't bad.

I hope she understands how much I love her when I tickle her toes and play connect-the-dots on her little feet. Oh, how I love her. I hope she will love me, too.

Adoption Pregnant

We are expecting...sometime between March and June!

In a lot of ways, adoption is like pregnancy. The waiting, the expectation, enduring physical discomfort but always with the hope of reward...a child! 

We suffered through the first trimester. The home study with interviews, personal questions, and training. We were fingerprinted and completed mountains of papers work. We endured medical exams and psych evaluations.

Now, we are sailing through the second trimester. Our dossier has left the country. And we are on day 14 of waiting for our Letter of Acceptance.  We have approximately 20-85 days to go before we get it!

Next comes the third trimester with immigration forms, applications, and travel preparations.  There is the nesting phase with room decorating, toy shopping, and clothes sorting. We will wonder what she will be like, if she will like us, and if we will love her as much as we do now (we will). We will obsess over delivery day (Gotcha Day!)... will it be as painful (and joyful) as everyone says? 

And then when we come home... oh, the adjustments! Not just for our sweet Ava, but for the boys and for us. Not only will we help Ava grieve, learn what a family is and what love is, but we all must learn how to interact as a family of five.

Will Adam continue to be the helpful big brother who loves to teach?

Will Jacob remain the mischievous younger brother who teases?

Where will Ava fit in? 

We will figure it out though. That is what families do. We make it work. It is not always pretty. It is rarely what we expect. But our life as a family will be amazing just the same. Our love will light up the darkness.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others..." Matthew 5:15-16

Alphabet Soup

Anyone in the adoption process can tell you that you acquire a whole new language while on the journey to bring your child home. 

First, you get the homestudy and file your I800a with USCIS. Then you are fingerprinted and receive your I797. Next comes your dossier, state seals, and consulate approvals so you can become DTC. 

Then you celebrate, because DTC was a lot of work. Soon after, you are LID and waiting the long wait for LOA aka LSC. Once received, you seek TA before you can have your CA scheduled and plan for Gotcha day. 

I think we are LID at this point. That means our big batch of paperwork has been received and entered into the system in China. We now have a 2-3 month wait for our LOA (official match approval for Ava). Once we receive LOA, we start applying for visas in order to bring our girl home. We will also be able to publicly share her pictures at that point. And let me tell you, she is so beautiful. 

And if you are lost, we hope to have Ava home in 4-6 months from now. I feel like we have been saying 6 more months for the last six months, but well... That's adoption for ya. 

One step closer...

Any minute now, our agency should have our complete dossier.

We finally received the last piece of our dossier puzzle on Saturday. Our paperwork is now on its way to New York to our agency so that they can forward it to China.

***Moment of Silence***

I definitely feel a weird mixture of relief, triumph, and fear. Relief- because, let's face it, the last several months have been pretty stressful. Triumph- because we jumped some pretty big hurdles. Fear- because this is really happening now!!!

In just a few more months, we will have a new little being in our lives. There are still so many unknowns... will she like us? will she struggle to attach? will the boys like her? will there be undiagnosed medical issues? food issues? sleep issues?

I can't wait though... I can't wait to see her little face and give her hugs (against her will, if I have to). I want to love on her and teach her things. I can't wait to watch her grow!