Mommy Guilt

This has been one of the hardest weeks that I can remember (it's possible that I blocked out some that were worse, but who knows).

Not only did we have the expected ups and downs with Ava, but Jacob was sick and home from school all week. Sick may be too trivial of a term... He was miserable with a horrible case of hand, foot, and mouth. His mouth was so blistered that he did not eat for a couple of days, and I was thankful for the small amounts of liquids he would drink. 

I had to keep reminding myself that he was miserable because after hours of whining and crying and screaming, I was tempted to post a Craigslist ad for "free child to good home."

I tried my best. Truly, I did. But I kept failing him, Adam, and Ava. For when Jacob would scream and cling to me, Ava would become upset and need comforting. And how do you comfort two children who want their mommy to make it all better?

You don't. 

Well, I didn't. One child would inevitably lay in the floor screaming while I tried to tend to the other before begging Jacob to Please Stop Whining and Screaming at Mommy!!!

And while I was rushing around trying to keep everyone alive and somewhat sane, I missed lunch day for moms at Adam's school and his last tee ball game of the season. 

Last night, Ava could/would not sleep. She had a happy day, but she fought sleep until close to 11pm and even then the sleep was fitful. 

Today, Jacob's blisters were much better and he was able to eat more than he had eaten all week. Ava spent lots of time outside and splashing in the kiddie pool. Adam had some one-on-one time with dad, and I...I took a nap. 

It is 9 pm and Todd is trying to get Ava to sleep. The house is quiet and calm. I feel bad for all the times I shouted at Jacob this week. He was sick and ordinarily I would have cuddled with him all week... But Ava needed me too. No one tells you how to navigate these obstacles in the adoption books. And then Todd told me this evening that I was a lot more patient with Jacob than he would have been. 

Maybe I didn't completely fail? It sure feels that way. 

"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories."

-John Wilmot